The best man am not

Great to hear that one of my colleague is finally going to tie the knot. I guess most of us has answer him enough questions on the when. I guess it just sort of gets a little too tired after all the answering. Beside, they already rom-ed so long ago. So legally speaking, I think they are man and wife, minus the fact that they have yet to host tea ceremony and the why-am-i-sponsoring-the-wedding dinner. Still any breakup now will become a divorce, in the eyes of the law. But of course I wish to hear of none such thing.

And not so great to know how much he has been forking out. I have nothing against marriage, its the union of two. And as a friend has put it across to me, marriage is like getting yourself a permanent parking lot. You can always go home every night to your parking lot without having to search high and low for a parking lot. Ops, side tracked again. And worst to think I dun even have the moolah for all these crap shit blissful events. Moohlah has been sipping out of my finance controller, aka my wallet, more often than not without much control. I just indulge in some life comfort, that's all. Afterall, I'm just an old fat fart, trying very hard to forget the its a living hell out there.

Ok, back to the crap shit blissful events. I offer myself to my colleague to help with the actual photography. I can even rope in another friend to handle it too, just in case my hands and eyes and camera and instinct and inspiration decided to fail me. In army, we are trained (are we again? then again, its always rifle cleaning exercise whenever a cat1 hit on us, how contingency is that?) for contingency planning. The cost of including a photographer for the actual isn't quite worth it at all, when someone like me willing to do it, even for free (selective friends may apply only). Ok, I'm not out to spoil market but I won't mind building up my portfolio and brush up my skills. Its get all rusty now. Oh yeah, he needs to discuss that with his to-be-wife (or is that already-wife).

Then he come back to me with an answer. An answer that left me disappointed and shocked. He says [insert wife's name] dowan you to be the photographer. Imagine my disappointment but oh well, I'm sure there are other opportunities for free shooting. However, he left that statement uncompleted and continues with but she has another task for you. Then I can see that grin that spread across his face. Now, why do I have this uneasy feeling. And then he continues with she wants you to be the best man. You should really see how big my eyes grew. This is no joke. I never even done the brother  (or you may call them groomsmen if you are that educated) part, and now I'm arrowed with the best man part?

Why me? That is the first reaction I have. And my instant response to that is dowan lah I dun even have a suit. No worries, suit we can settle one is his way of overruling my instant reply. And he happily added in [insert wife's name] want you lah if not if get someone she dunno well, then will be very boring, no one to talk to throughout. Excuse me, has the rules change without me knowing it? Since when did the best man selection gotta do with the bride? Should she be spending more time talking with her sisters (the bridesmaids) or even the maid of honor? How come she's including the best man into her selection?

If I'm the best man, why does she still marrying someone else? Ok, that is an old joke, used so often by comedian. Maybe it really is. I'm just not the bestest man. Probably she is marrying the bestest man. Yeah, I know. It might be an honour but still, I dun even know what the best man has to do. Was told to fight for best price to open the door to the bride's house and block the liqour from going down the groom. Did I mention that bargaining for the lowest price is not in my genre? A wise man says that problems that can be solved with moolah is not a problem. I no like problems but I also no have moolah, how? And the liquor blockage? The last time I saw was the best man down it. Siao liao. Me no LBT. I enjoy free liquor but I dun peculiarly adore the extras that come along the next day.

Now, I dun enjoy renting a suit for the occasion and making one seems a little too big of a mole out of a hill. Damn. Was telling the friend that I have no occasion for a suit when I went to this little island and even retorted that when the time comes for his wedding, and he ask me to be one of this brother (groomsmen), I would have my suit ready. At least I do not foresee that happens within this year. Then the S ingapore Dance Master 2005 incident came in. And now this again? Maybe I should just get myself a budget air ticket on that airline named a pussy, which is also used by a big local bank of our hostile and always giving us water trouble but shopping is cheap friendly northern neighbour, to get myself to the capital of the land of smiles. Of course smiling lah, I bring my moolah to them.

Or maybe, I am contemplating to tell the bride that if her sisters (bridesmaids) not chio enough, I will not be the best man. I must see first, then decide. That sound like a good idea, ain't it?